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*_dAvId SaShI]]
__* ~aLeX~ ]]
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Though of the... 2 weeks... :: maybe im jus not trying hard enuff...
i have the sense of feeling... that i seem to have given up everything... i gave up studying... i looked at my notes... i feel like i wanna vomit... when i enter into the exam hall... i already feel tt im going to fail... one can study and know so much abt psychology and know how some thoughts can be harmful to self.. yet one can continue having those negative thoughts... ive developed a fear... of school... of sch work... of my notes.... of exams... yesh.. one last paper to go... and u are done for this semester... clear this sem.. and u onli hv one sem to go... and u will be done.. no more... all u need to do is study hard for these 2 weeks.... throughout my education life... i tink this phase is the hardest to get by... as much as i dun like programming and business stuff in poly... i still hv my friends with me.. ard me... here in uni... i have no friends at all... people like yy and lisa and sulin arent studying the same stuff as me... i go to uni alone... attend lectures alone... go for tutorials alone... come back alone... how sad uni life can be.. the onli thing the i look forward to during the week.. is friday to XLR8... sat to hang out with yy... sunday to church... comes monday.. everything will be a drag again... then.. maybe im not trying hard enuff... i saw my work load yesterday... having onli studied 5 lectures... i wanna breakdown... i jus cant have any more stuff into my brain anymore.. i cant... for all i know.... by saying "I CANT" is the first step to failure... yet... i keep saying it over and over in my head... easy to know wats rite and wats wrong... hard to do it.. but why some other people... they can do it... when people ask me abt doing honours... i jus... dunno wat to say....?? who am i to do POST GRAD?? i cant even handle UNDERGRAD... POST GRAD.... HA HA HA HA... the biggest joke i have ever heard... ask me abt POST GRAD... the study of psychology... i tink.. requires someone who's mentally strong... not easily shaken... coz... after all.. u have to counsel other people... u have to be strong in a certain sense... else... how can u go counsel other people?? me on the other hand... am weak and frail... breaking down any moment... yesterday nite... i jus felt like crying out... maybe i will feel better after tt.... so tired.. so wore out... so brain saturated... but then.. im not too sure if i can even remember anything... and ask me to test myself?!?! ... i dun even know how to go abt doing tt... test myself....?? u teach me how.... i guess.. everyone has their own area where they are not confident in... i think everyone has self esteem issues... one story i heard... was how not confident is she abt herself whenever she goes out with her friends... her friends would all dress so nicely and she feels outta place..?? she said tt jus a simple tanktop and jeans can make them look so good... and doubting tt that simple tanktop and jeans will make her look anywhere close to them.... then she said.. maybe its how the way they carry themselves... and how confident they are in themselves... they dun hv to be pretty.. jus the way they carry themselves... for example... one very good example is how i would compare the girls here in brissie and the girls back in singapore... brissie girls dresses themselves nicely no matter how fat they are... when i go shopping ard... i would see girls tt are slightly towards the fat side dressing up themsleves nicely... even if it means that some fats will be "hanging loose" at the side or infront. and they way they carry themselves... they jus dun care how u look at them... whereas.. if the same thing applys to sg girls... seriously... how many fat girls u see in sg dresses up nicely and dun care wat other people think?? most of them jus dresses in big t-shirts and jeans... thats its... its jus how different views there are in differnt cultures and how amazing it is... im drifting further away from my main pt.. anywayz... i wan saying... my friend might have self esteem issue appearance wise... that doesnt mean anything actually... i have my self esteem issues to deal with... jus a different kind... i might appear like i dun care... i might appear like i cant be bothered... but tt doesnt mean that deep down i really dun care... and i feel good abt myself.... and i dun feel down when i fail... i mean.. who likes to fail... fail... then try again lo... then again.. maybe im not trying hard enuff... for the first time.. i really dun feel like going into the exam hall to take tt paper... ... im scared... overwhelmed by fear... God... help..... Lord... take me.... Father.. hold me in ur mighty hands... cover me from all storms.... [lEfT oUr pRiNtZ__*__sIlLyGiRl] at 2:50 pm
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