|
*_aMy]]
*_dAvId SaShI]]
__* ~aLeX~ ]]
|
|
ThoughtZ :: so much to write..
guess i havent been updating... tt i dunno wat to write.... but.. i do hav alot to say.... let me start by thanking God for the FULL marks He granted me for my Grandparents presentation!!! hehehehe THANK YOU GOD!!!! and guess wat!!! on top of the presentation.. i had a 5% summary.. and i got 4.5 outta 5!!! hey!!! this is like.. the FIRST time i ever had such a HIGH mark for a write up... any write up!!! hahaha.. God's so mercy on me man.... this is like the highest mark i ever got since .... poly!!! the last time i had FULL marks for ANY assessments... was probably art in secondary sch!! hahaha.. in the end.. i got 19.5/20!! mAN!!! now... THATS really God's work.. coz.. i know... I CAN NEVER OBTAIN SUCH GRADES!!!  We all dressed up as GRANNIES!!! it was fun!!! hahahahaha  HA HA HA HA!!! my Presentation and summary marks!! hahahaha not tt i wanna SHOW OFF... but hey.... its really a MIRACLE!!!!! when u see my other assignment marks!!!! i mean... its like a HISTORIC MOMENT!!!!!!! ITZ UNBELIEVABLE!!!! =P yapz... thats pretty much the upside that happening in my life for the past week?? and plus i managed to complete my assessments... like the horrible assignments.. and presentation... one more workbook to hand up on coming tuesday and exams here i come!!! its so fast lo... hehehhee GRADUATION@!!!! yes God!! i CAN GRADUATE!!!!! on the downside.... many many thoughts have been on my mind.... an unclosed chapter of my life... its been almost 4 years already.... the burden has been on my shoulders... not sure where or how to start... but definitely a chapter which i HAVE to close... but does closing this chapter means.. i hv to give up alot of things??? memories... i mean.. i am who i am today... becoz of wat happened... ive learnt alot of lessons... i have been thru quite an amount of stuff... things happened for a reason and here i am today... i need to totally surrender to Him.... i need to let go... and let God take care of everything... i have to stop tinking of his wellbeing... i have to pray that God be his protection from now on... its not up to me.. to still be concern of how he is doing.... its not up to me to "watch out" for him... its up to God.. coz.. when i totally surrender this to God... i shall not be burdened by it anymore... the things that we've been thru... serves as important lessons of my life.... i learnt from these mistakes... i learnt... from the things tt happened... i learnt from wat i hv been thru.... these tots haunts me like nobody's business over the years.... i struggle alot... it never fails to upset me... bring me down in times like these... why do i feel like tt.. i myself dun hv the answer to it.... its hard... coz... its difficult... i wan it to stop.... i dowan to be bothered by it anymore... hmmmmm.... are u guys (those reading...) still with me??? i myself think... im getting too confused and complicated... am i making sense to anyone??? something which i saw... made me question myself.... have i really closed tt chapter when i tot i did...?? why am i still feeling this way... if i so called already closed tt chapter... i closed it.. so tt i can start afresh... i dowan to carry an "excess baggage" with me into the next one... so i did wat i tot is rite... i mean.. i still think i did the rite thing... but something made me realised... i didnt do enuff to close tt chapter... it was... so called... half close... i came to realise.. that when i hav to do it by prayer... i had to ask my God to take it away from me.. this burden.. this guilt... these tots... i hav to totally surrender it to him... if not... it wont be healthy for me... and my new r/s... its not fair... and i obviously cant do such thing... with a gift.. blessed to me... by God... i knew i HAD to do someting abt it... having more information... i knew exactly wat i had to do... in addition to wat i already did.... i had to do more... to eventually close tt chapter... i tried..... BUT.... as human as we (in this case ME) can be.... we fall short... I fall short... a horrible dream where i couldnt stop crying... where i cried till i cant catch my breathe... it seems so real... even though it was a dream.... the intense guilt.... the feeling of need and desperation to explain myself... to make it be understood... the explaination tt went on and on.... and on.... i was brought... on a guilt trip once again.... i couldnt hold back my tears... even in the real world.... the tots came back once again.... tt familiar yet disgusting sad feeling.... guilt and upset... burden and responsibility...... topped this guilt..... was the guilt... of feeling this guilt... guilt.. on top of guilt.... how can i... i cant do this... i cant be feeling this guilt again... i cant do it while being with the person i love more than anything... yet.. i dunno wat to do.... i wanna work on it.... i really do.... but can i?? will i??? how long is it gonna take??? i really hv no idea... Lord help.... [lEfT oUr pRiNtZ__*__sIlLyGiRl] at 2:44 am
Comments:
Post a Comment
|